Blessings..

I am truly greatful for the many blessings I recieve daily. It's in this retrospection, that I have learned to except the things I can't do, is for a reason unknownst to me and the things that I can do is by the sheer inner strength,confidence, and the knowing of the blessing  that is there or would be achieved. I am greatful for these things not necessarily in any particular order, but an order of importance to me...:
 1) Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost (if your Mormon you'll understand this...part)
 2) My parents,siblings, and Children - They have always been there for me even through my horrible , ages and stages phases that usually caused them grief or hell and still believed in me enough to get through it without doing it for me.
 3) My friends - They are always there with opinions.. and talks with you through the night with 0 c/o any sorts. To help you hold your head up when its down and to hold your hair if your puking from illness and or stupidity of doing things.. and to be the best mode of counseling when it makes zero sense as well as just to laugh it off and move on.
4)Co-workers -  They are there also when I'm at my best and worst times. They offer guidance and help me to continue my love of the career(nursing) and to be my best and remember why I am the person I am.. A Nurse.

I can honestly say Im very greatful for my many blessings...I wish others took the time to remember theirs.

A comfort , in odd places...

Yesterday, was a day from hell on many levels for me. I had court in the am for child support and then a meeting @ workand nursing a broken heart. It sucked, then I found out an ex of mine was really not anything he had previously said he was, that being (honest and true). So, with no where's to really turn to talk about this with anyone I went to the only place that comforts me when I feel this shitty (besides home with my sons, of course.) was at work. I explained, laughed and cried with my fellow nurses and aides who have seen me through everything, and was deeply comforted in knowing, I do matter to many. To find solace in this odd,place being in a nursing home is quite a shock but more so warm,loving and strong it couldn't possibly be a better place to feel comfort.  I left work, with a sense of uplift , I was really in awe. Later, that evening my fellow nurse had texted me through the night to make sure I was ok and doing well, and that the boys were too. How truly blessed I am for having those who love me and care as much as I do them. I truly believe, nurses and moms' are the best for broken hearts,souls,minds, and other ailments. LOVE YOU GUYS! I WORK WITH. XOXO

The true inner selfs whisper..

This whisper that I often hear, is a quiet small sound in my ears, that makes them ring when I know somethings right and when it isn't . It often alerts me to many of the other senses as well, it kinda heightens them and makes them more pronounced and in turn a better response. Such an occasion is when the other day I was at work and my oldest son started kindergarten, and I had this gut feeling that he wasn't close by. Even though my head knows he's in school and that he is safe, and ok...my heart still yearned for him to know he was truly ok and to know how much he's grown as a little boy and how much I missed him being little enough to be home. I put him on the bus and when he looked back and said"Mommy I love you" I melted and cried as the school bus pulled away and my lil son, chased after and said"my turn wait for me...". I went on my way to work and this whisper  that sweetly goes through my ears,runs through my mind and plays softly in my heart..Knew that all was truly well, and was to be as it was; Another day of growing in life.

When I came home after an 11 hour day at work filled with craziness, and strife, this same sweet little boy hugged me and said"mommy I missed you. Lokk what I made for you." He handed me this little poster of a green hand print and the poem that came with it. It reads:
                                                               The Kissing Hand
                                                It's my first day of kindergarten
                                                And I'm thinking of you.
                                                I made these precious handprints
                                                So you will think of me , too.
 
                                                It's my first day of school
                                                And"The Kissing Hand" is what we read.
                                               It's about a raccooon
                                               Who did just as his parents  said.

                                               Like the raccoon's first day at school
                                               I was scared and a little shy.
                                               But because of what you said 
                                               I was brave and I got by.
          
                                                All through the year
                                              I'll make more things for you.
                                              So as I change and as I learn
                                              You can witness my growth, too!

  
                                                

School days....

Tomorrow my oldest son will be in Kindergarten, and on Wednesday my youngest will be full day pre-school. This thought has crossed my mind when they were first born ,but as I see it now... how much time truly passes. I have seen them grow in so many ways into beautiful little boys, full of life ,screams& shouts, and as my own children. It's sad to say that their father hasn't seen them grow as I have and hope that someday my children will know it was I who is ,was, and always will be there for them both in the good and bad. Not, that I wouldn't speak kindly of their dad , it's just tough knowing some guys aren't meant to be dads. As for them and school, I can't wait to help them out and get to do more with them and get more involved with their school activities and get more fulfilled  with happiness and joy watching them grow. I know now it won't be long before they are seniors and grown and out of my home , and the lonely feeling starts all over again.

I will have all this freetime, now that they are in full-day school, I am starting pursue my many options to grow and be happy for my own self as well. I am contemplating going back for my RN in the fall , thus me getting my pre-req's accomplished, and to get myself a vehicle , a better apartment and  hopfully move to a nicer area.  

Scary thing is, being only 26... It wasn't long ago I was a senior with a promising future. Though I took a few stumbles in this crazy thing called life, I've been strong enough to continue on even with the bad and make it out in the end. This is what my kid's will eventually see when they are my age. I'll be there ready with every quip I was told, both funny and scary.... ah....School days.

A gem of a quote that was sent to me..

One reason we should love our enemies is that we made them ourselves. Another reason is that they keep us on our toes, a third reason is that we should make them our friends.
-- Source Unknown

P.S.   I firmly believe in this quote, how much more honest and brazen can that be?

The Aftermath

It's the day after one like many before, except I'm completely erased from his memory and heart. So, why the hell can't I do the same.? At night when I close my eyes I often wonder if he's doing ok, and safe and most of all happy. They say time heals the heart and to move on and one day love and happiness will fall in your lap. I have doubts now, do they really know this to be true? I for one don't believe any of it, I feel that when you give a piece of your heart and its been torn apart, it's a piece of you that dies too, esp when the feeling isn't reciprocated. The last thing I told him wasn't that I loved him , It was that he was a p**** for not breaking up with me in person or telling me,but through ignoring me , I also called him an A******, and had hoped he'd feel the same hurt I'm feeling. Truth is I don't wish this hurt on anyone even him, but anyone who goes through these things knows it's in stages. Usually 1) shock 2) grief/crying 3)anger 4) healing process begins only after first three happen.
I wanted so much to prove that I was indeed changing and doing better, but in some eyes it isn't good enough , their standards are too high. When that same person says I am happy your a really nice girl and couldn't hurt you, be the one to hurt you and say awful things ie...you stress me out therefore, when you call,email or text me I don't answer. Or when they feel your unstable because of stress and things, they ignore you and not help but leave you to the cold, and to suffer with hurt and pain and isn't willing to be there for you as they once claimed.
This person truly is a nice guy,very smart, great standards, and is genuinely awesome.... So, I think more now that I think of it, perhaps I wasn't the only one with issues. The past is always there as for some who can let it go in time and move on and let by gones be by gones , there are those as in his case who lives it almost everyday, filled with regrets,sorrow and sadness. I feel sorry for him for he who has but a few great friends and more online friends may he truly, know I wanted to still be there , though he erased me ,may he in time see what a "REAL" friend is in me and that someday he knows that the regret of erasing me , is after all just the aftermath of a failed understanding of who I am...

The Unkown

I had this feeling for awhile that something wasn't quite right...a gut feeling of sorts. I knew it when he started to get distant, this feeling I had of doom and despair was coming, the inevitable break-up. I partially blame him, but more so of me. How could I not see he was unhappy with me, and when did this change really occur??. I feel cold and complacent inside, like this warmth was taken outta me. Only the warm memories remain, but the hurt and cold distance remains. How was I too really know, when he was so introverted and never spoke with me on things that bothered him. I am now deleted from his mind and heart, and I sit here and wonder does he feel anything I feel, hoping there is still love even though he will be with me no more. I can't help but feel, there is other reasons that he's distant but he wouldn't say and I'll never know. I can only hope this heart heals and to move on..I can't help but wonder, will I ever have that one true love?